Let’s Get “Retardead(REVIEW)” In Here

Humorous Review: Retardead

Editor’s Note: If you’ve seen Mystery Science Theater 3000 you have to put this review into that perspective. It’s a running commentary on the film with time stamps for those who are watching this dreaded piece of work while reading through the review. However, even without watching it or having seen it, you’ll quickly get the gist of how Kevin felt about this film (and enjoy his thoughts on it I hope!)

LET’S GET “RETARDEAD” IN HERE

Normally, my brother and I get together once a month to continue our never-ending quest to watch every zombie film ever made. However, my brother works with special people and is offended when “retarded” is used as a synonym for “stupid.” Given the apparent subject matter, I knew I would have to watch “Retardead” by myself. And so one afternoon, that is exactly what I did…

00:01: An hour and forty-two minutes?? Good God, what have I done? I expect low-budget films to be bad (hopefully laughably so) but the trade off for wasting your time is always that the movie is barely an hour long. Am I really going to waste almost 2 hours on this? Wait. The opening shot says it’s intermission time. So this is even longer than an hour and forty-two but I mercifully blacked out for the first half.

2:30: Fake movie trailers work better when they’re funny. I’m taking a break to Google Grindhouse and The Shining spun as a comedy.

6:59: These fake trailers are so unfunny and so similar in quality to every other low-budget horror film, I’m starting to think they’re actually real.

8:39: “Music by Marshall Crutcher and Monkeys With Machine Guns.” Probably not a band name.

15:30: Mentally challenged people often wear “I’m With Stupid” T-shirts and have crayons stuck in their noses. If this movie had a face, my brother would punch it.

18:20: Because all the actors playing challenged people look physically normal and all the others are playing dumb for “laughs,” it’s kind of hard to tell everyone apart.

25:30: “We can use this basement as a prison interview room!” “Why?” “Because they both have concrete!”

36:37: The acid trip in Dumbo was funnier than this. So far every scene involving the police has had nothing to do with driving the plot forward. I’m starting to figure out where this ungodly run time came from.

40:58: All the FBI people have “FBI” on every piece of clothing they wear. Some jobs don’t come with ready-made, easy to recognize uniforms. I’m taking a break to go to Zazzle and make a “Writer” T-shirt.

47:35: When the bad guy leaves the room you were hiding in, it’s important to wait at least 3 seconds before high-tailing it through the same door.

48:52: All the zombies have blue skin except for the girl. She must be allergic to the make-up.

52:35: Every now and then, there’s a little girl narrating the story. She started as the exposition, since this is apparently a sequel to “Monsturd,” but now she’s become psychic.

57:02: The whole town is quarantined, yet they’re airlifting people out. It’s a damn good thing the copter blew up when a zombie chewed the fuel line and the pilot dropped his cigar. Damn good thing.

1:02:56: Strange how blowing someone’s head off inside a car only splashes your face and not your clothes or anything else surrounding you. I’m no physicist, though.

1:04:55: Speaking of strange physics, the sheriff just shot a zombie in the forehead and the blood spouted out the top of the head. That’s how JFK got it, too, right?

1:07:51: There was a well done, haunting voiceover in the background as the characters entered the basement. Then I realized they were actually exchanging dialogue and the audio is just really bad.

1:22:49: “You can’t even turn my back for a second!” Close enough. Who needs second takes?

1:36:14: They made a song for the end credits. I’m off to Amazon to check for soundtrack availability. Nah, I’ll just go to imdb and give this thing a 1 instead. I’m not offended by calling people “retards,” but I am offended by comedy that isn’t funny.

Bottom line: Avoid at all costs. I watched this so you don’t have to.

For those who don’t want to listen though or just love to watch painful movies this one is available at Amazon